Things the Turks are not allowed to do
by Witchweather
Summary: Things the Turks are no longer allowed to do as listed by Shinra inc
1. Chapter 1

35 Things the Turks are Not Allowed to Do.

_This is based off of_ **62 Things the Avengers are Not Allowed to Do.**

* * *

1\. Reno is not allowed to be naked at Headquarters. Ever Again.

2\. Synchronized panicking is not part of a proper battle plan.

3\. Veld should never again be addressed as "Dad"

4\. Or "Mom"

5\. And no Vincent is not 'Mom' either. or 'Dad' or 'That crazy uncle I always wanted'

6\. The proper way to report to a superior is 'yes sir' not 'You can't prove at thing.

7\. 'Operation Irritate the Hell Out of Tseng' is not an official mission, no matter what Reno or Two Guns say.

8\. Debriefings should not be preceded by tequila shots.

9\. Debriefings should not be followed by tequila shots.

10\. There are to be no shots of any kind during debriefings.(Including gun shots.)

11\. Coffee is not optional

12\. Turks are not allowed to sing their own personal spy music while wandering the Hallways.

13\. or the spy music of anyone else.

14\. Pants are not optional at team meetings. nor can they be replaced by skirts or dresses.

15\. Shot Gun and Knife are not allowed to impersonate members of the clergy ever again. Ever.

16\. They also can no longer impersonate members of a demon summoning cult. Ever

17\. Rude is no longer allowed to take anything from the labs. For any reason.

18\. 'Kill everything!' is not an effective diplomatic policy.

19\. Neither are explosives.

20\. The phrase 'Trust me, I'm a doctor' never leads anywhere good.

21\. If it makes Reno giggle for more than 30 seconds, it isn't allowed.

22\. If it makes Legend crack a smile, it's probably illegal.

23\. Mission reports to the Director should not start out 'So let me explain…'

24\. The Cats are not new recruits.(neither is the duck)

25\. Veld KNOWS

26\. Saying 'I didn't do it' gets you investigated.

27\. The words "What's the worst that could happen?" are never to be uttered on a mission ever again.

28\. Velds glare is not in fact fatal. Rod is not allowed to continue implying that it is.

29\. Reno is not allowed to convince Reeve to help him make death ray goggles so that it will be.

30\. Turks are not on Survivor and therefore are not allowed to vote people off of the floor.

31\. Zack is not really a puppy. nor does he belong in the pound.

32\. Rufus proper title is 'Vice president' not 'My liege'

33\. Baby harnesses do not go on other turks.

34\. Duct tape does not go on other turks

35\. The things that happened at last years yule party are never to be mentioned again.


	2. Chapter 2

Things the Turks are Not Allowed to Do. Part Two 36 - 62

* * *

36\. Their is no causal Friday. (or any other day of the week)

don't take it upon yourself to create a chart of your fellow turks sexual orientations.

38\. Taking bets as to how long a turk will stay with a current Boyfriend/Girlfriend is prohibited after that last incident.

38\. Veld will not let you call him papa/daddy/dad/mommy/Sugar daddy/mother/father/uncle/brother/ho/Gramps/old man, No. Not even if your drunk. I don't see why this has to be a rule. _see rules 3 and 4_

39\. You should not stalk fellow turks.

40\. The cats ate my paperwork is not an excuse. You still have to turn it in anyway. (Rule also applies for the duck and any other animal.)

41\. Stuffed animals should not be used to hold weapons.

42\. You are not allowed to show up naked to work. _see rule 1_

43\. If you want to drink alcohol on the job hide it properly.

44\. Please don't flirt with the enemy. (see shinras list of enemys for more detail.)

45\. Don't steal from the labs unless ordered to.

46\. Your fellow Turks do not wish to be set up on blind dates without their permission.

47\. Try not to kill the janitors.(It's a pain to keep replacing them)

48\. Don't show up to work wearing another departments uniform.

49\. Just Because your commanding officer did it does not mean you can.

50\. Every Turk should be well versed in rules _49, 21, 20_ and_ 11_

51\. Katana does not eat people. Reno should stop scaring the recruits by implying he does.

52\. Kilts are not allowed to be worn in place of pants _see rule 14_

53\. The supply closets will not eat you. no matter what Reno and Rude claim to the contrary.

54\. Nunchuck is not an alien. (Please stop trying to send him to space)

55\. Tseng is not allowed to go undercover at any kind of strip club.(took hours to get him out last time)

56\. Please don't sell photos of the people you've been hired to protect (yes this includes nudes)

cake is not a lie

58\. Don't sext at work

59\. Don't have sex at the work place.

60\. Turks can't vote people out the window. _see rule 30_

61\. You should not use turk equipment to spy on your significant other.

62\. Explosives do not in fact solve everything


	3. Chapter 3

Things the Turks are Not Allowed to Do. Part three 63-88

_This is based off of_ **The Enterprise List (or 235 Things the Crew of the Enterprise is No Longer Allowed to Do According to Starfleet)**

* * *

63\. Turks will not wear a dress while at work in protest of the uniform length and impracticality for female employees.

64\. Even if the secretaries appreciated the gesture.

65\. Do not slip away from security detail.

66\. Velds rank is 'Director', not 'Supreme Overlord.'

67\. He does not sign paper work under that title

68 Turks are not allergic to paperwork.

69\. Turks will not add "In accordance to the teachings of Veld," to end their sentences.

70\. "I am a Turk," is not a viable excuse for most things.

71\. Bourbon is not a medical expense.

72\. Neither is Vodka

73\. Nor any kind of alcohol aside from rubbing alcohol.

74\. Punching superior officers to 'test for reflexes' is not acceptable.

75\. The Person who is in charge of ordering coffee and supplies is no ones "Sugar Daddy"

76\. Turks are not allowed to tell employee's where good well vented hiding spots to smoke pot are located.

77\. Management is not involved in a conspiracy with the Aliens, Masons, Wutie ,the illuminati, The muffin man or McChocobo? against The Turks

78\. There is in fact, a spoon.

79\. Not allowed to use sick time to "Journey to Mordor to destroy the one ring"  
80\. Not allowed to use sick time to take a shortcut and throw it in Mt. Nibelheim

81\. "Oops!" is never the appropriate response when asked to report.

82\. Turks should not make a company wide announcement saying that it is 'Hug A Turk Day.'

83\. Turks should not make a company wide announcement saying that it is 'Hug A SOLDIER Day.'

84\. Only Veld may make company wide announcements. Unless their is a life or death emergency.

85\. Losing your cat is not a life or death emergency

86\. Discussions of "swords" and "fencing" are inappropriate at work.

87\. Killing some one because they annoy you is generally considered wrong.

88\. Turks are to refer to more experienced officers as "Sir," if they are your superiors, or their rank if they are your inferiors. Not "Grandpa."


	4. Chapter 4

Things the Turks are Not Allowed to Do. Part four 89 - 111

* * *

89\. Turk may not fire Turks out of cannon without appropriate supervision

90\. Turks may not fire Turkeys, Chickens, Hams, SOLDIERs or members of the board out of a cannon without written consent and proper supervision.

**91\. Written consent must be gotten without Any forceful or illegal means.**

92\. Veld is no longer proper supervision.

93\. Coffee is not a weapon of mass scalding.

94\. Coffee is not a lube.

95\. Coffee is a drink. It is only a drink. It does not belong in soap, bombs, chicken, Hair, balloons, water-guns or in some forms of candy.

96\. Polishing your EMR in the break room is allowed. Polishing your _'EMR' _in the break room is not.

97\. Veld wants no part of your daddy issues.

98\. Please stop demanding Veld find the Turks a _'mommy Turk.' _(He doesn't take it well)

99\. Telling Veld that The '_Turk Mommy' _Doesn't have to be female will not stop him from killing you.

100\. The company is not responsible for any damages done by Veld outside of a mission

101\. Coffee is not the Turks God.

102\. Please Stop trying to convert Tseng to the Coffee god

103\. Don't try and convert SOLDIERs to the Coffee god.

104\. Veld is not the head priest of the Coffee God's church

105\. You may not dance naked around the coffee maker. _See rules 1 and 42_

106\. Don't convince the SOLDIERs to come up with their own god.

107\. Turks may not declare war.

108\. Don't super glue your fellow Turks to the ceiling.

109\. The Turks may not get a pet Tonberry.

110\. Not even if veld thinks it's ok. _see rule 92 _

111\. The Tonberry is not the Turks mascot. _(Please get rid of it) _


	5. Chapter 5

Things the turks are not allowed to do. Part Five.112- 129

112\. Kidnapping each other for a scavenger hunt is highly frowned on.

113\. Not even for training purposes. _see rule 112 _  
114\. Turks may not guess the penis size of anyone who out ranks them

115\. If the cat looks at something you can't see and runs away in a panic please do not get out every scanner owned by the company to see if something is really there.

116\. Whether something is Flammable or not is rather important

117\. _"Death to the paperwork"_ is not the Turks motto

118\. Please remember that _Persuading_ someone for information is generally wrong outside of business matters.

119\. The Turks do not have office strippers

120\. Please do not hire office strippers

121\. Please take down their poles and assortments from the works stations.

122\. Legend is no longer allowed to hire personnel

123\. Do not make sand castles in the showers.

124\. Katana is no longer allowed to adopt pets. _(This includes tonberrys)_

125\. To Reno and Rude the words _"Is that flammable?" _are not a challenge.

126\. Hide and seek is not a matter of life and death

127\. The Words _"don't worry it'll all grow back"_ aren't very comforting and don't excuse what happened.

128\. We are rather certain that none of the TURKS have evil twins

129\. TURKS can not smell emotions_ (stop scaring the cadets)_


	6. Chapter 6

130\. Death is no longer an excuse not to come to work.

131\. The end of the wold is not an excuse to not come to work.

132\. The Board does not appreciate the donuts getting replaced with chocolate reproductive organs.

133\. Please do not hide corpses in the building before inspection.

134\. The office plants are not looking at you funny

135\. Nunchuck is not going to kill you with the cute.

136\. Please do not set bath tubs on fire

137\. If it follows Katana to work _(home)_ you are likely not allowed to keep it.

138\. Veld does not eat fear for breakfast.

139\. None of you are too sexy for your shirt.

140\. Pranks are not meant to be deadly

141\. The cats are not the TURKS overlords.

142\. All messages must not be processed through the cats.

143\. They are not guard cats.

144\. TURKS can not mentally communicate with the cats.

145\. The cats will not eat stupid people who walk into the TURK floor.

146\. All cat rules also include the duck _(see rules 141-145)_


	7. Chapter 7

147\. When stopped by cops you are not allowed to request to use the breathalyser to _"see who knows how to party"._

148\. Especially if you're driving.

149\. Turks are no longer allowed to fold origami during briefings.

150\. When the commander asks what you am doing during said briefings, You should not to stand up and say _"Sir, I made a tonberry!"_

151\. Gun is not allowed to interrogate new TURK employees and dispose of the ones she deems unworthy.

152\. The words "What's the worst that could happen?" are never to be uttered on any mission **EVER **again.

153\. Veld is not allowed to change the temperature in the offices according to who pissed him off that second/hour/day/week/month/year.

154\. He is not allowed to get Tseng to d_o _so for him.

155\. No one can touch the thermostat for any reason.

156\. Their is no turk named No one.

157\. you should not change your name unless you are getting married or it involves a mission.

158\. you may not get married just so you may change names.

159\. If a name change or alias is required for a mission you must change your name back afterwards

160\. Take that hat off.

161\. not allowed to use ice in or on the refrigeration unit.

162\. not allowed too use fire on the stove or microwave

163\. none of you are the king or queen of cheese

164\. turks may not redecorate any offices outside their own.

165\. should not hot wire cars unless necessary.

166\. if your not wearing underwear you don't need to inform people of it unless they ask.

167\. **Should not fill other departments desks full of any of the following; **_Glitter, cheese, lube, porn, kittens, fruit, golf balls, raw meat, manure, self help books, snakes, rice, jello, Banora apples, animal photos, coffee, mice,_ and/or underwear of any kind.


	8. Chapter 8

168\. Apparently the right thing to say when Veld orders you to do something IS NOT: "you're not my real dad!"  
169\. "I'm rockin' " is not a proper response to the question "how are you doing" during Veld's barracks inspection  
170\. Not authorized to promote moogles above my own rank.  
171\. Not allowed to leave a moogle on sentry.

172\. When ordering supplies,_ "buttload", "assload", "shitload", "a little bit", _or _"whatever you feel like giving me",_  
are not numbers  
173\. Do not throw bowling balls off of the turk floor. Even if you have spotters.  
174\. Jumping off the roof of a six story building during a monsoon using a poncho liner for a parachute is forbidden.

175\. Do not mix fake fangs and dress inspections.  
176\. Do not say "_Oops"_ when working with explosives, just to be funny.  
177\. Do not put decaf in Veld's coffee pot.

178\. The morgue is not for storing beer.

179\. A coffin is not a footlocker.  
180\. A coffin is not a bed  
181\. You should not have sex in a coffin  
182\. No not even if Valentin did so.

183\. If it's shaped like a coffin, then it's a coffin, dammit.

184\. Not allowed to label flu season tissues as biological warfare agents.  
185\. You not a ninja, and they CAN see you  
186\. You may not combine any part of the uniform at any time. Therefore shower shoes, pt shorts, A tie, and beret is not an acceptable duty uniform  
187\. No matter how sexy you say you look.  
188\. You cannot trade guard shifts with the voices in your head.  
189\. Request forms saying,_ "Respectfully requesting a bullet to the head." _will always be denied.  
190\. I am not allowed to tempt someone into a straight jacket to see if they can get out while they are logged onto a pc, and then write love emails on their account to SOLDIERs while they frantically try to turn off the computer by kicking it.  
191\. not allowed to run away from Veld.  
192\. aren't allowed to fortify the barracks for the upcoming _"Zombie Invasion"_  
193\. Not allowed to claim a crowbar as your weapon  
194\. Not allowed to build anything without supervision  
195\. Not allowed to order prosthetic testicles  
196\. Not allowed to order things _"just because I want one"_  
197\. Not allowed to shoot cigarettes out of Reno's, Twogun's, and/or Legend's mouths  
198\. Not allowed to convert the helicopter into a Pirate Ship.  
199\. Not allowed to _**'just' **_fly a Jolly Roger from the guns.  
200\. Burning giant bales of marijuana is not the correct way to keep warm after destroying a drug lord's compound.  
201\. Golf Carts are supposed to be used on the Golf Course. Any other use is unauthorized. Like joyriding while drinking beer, then writing _"Go Turks, SOLDIER Sucks"_ on them, and abandoning them in front of the SOLDIER's barracks.  
202\. When giving a survival class on cleaning wild game, Shotgun is not allowed to eat raw pig's liver, even if it was an appropriate response to someone's smart-assed comment.  
203\. you are not the crazy cat lady  
204\. You are not the crazy cat lord  
205\. You are not the crazy cat king and/or queen  
206\. must not make a personal army of cats  
207\. not allowed to steal the company's flag, this achieves nothing  
208\. _"The Dark side"_ does not have cookies  
209\. Not allowed to head-butt vending machines, even if it did steal a Gil.

Ideas from skippys list


	9. Chapter 9

210\. Not allowed to place the cats in a Giant Hamster Ball.  
211\. Not allowed to place fellow turks in a Giant Hamster Ball.  
212\. No not even if they don't mind.  
213\. Legend can **not** Declare himself "King of the Party"  
214\. Even if just him and the Reno are the only one's still standing after a drinking contest.  
215\. Not even if Rufus makes him a crown.  
216."I Know Nothing!" is not a appropriate response if asked by Tseng what your doing with Legend, 120 pounds of explosives, and a dozen rubber chocobos.  
217\. Not allowed to attempt to prove superiority of the turks through drinking contests.  
218\. Not allowed to attempt to prove superiority of the turks through games of strip poker, strip dominos, strip darts, or strip chess.

219\. Not allowed to list Veld as their legal guardian unless he is their legal guardian.  
220\. The Turks work as an adjunct to the regular armed forces, not as a superior. Therefore, no member of the turks can countermand a senior army/navy/air force officer's order.  
221\. Nor requisition vehicles from these services.  
222\. Especially if none of you know how to drive said vehicle.  
223\. After crashing an illegally requisitioned airship members of the Turks may not inform Shinra that it was _"broken when we got it"._  
224._"Borrowing" _is regarded as the same as illegally requisitioning.

225\. Any scheme which causes two or more members of the Turks to giggle can be assumed to be vetoed.

226\. Reno is to stop asking Rude for a light when they're both stoned.

227\. Buying a box of condoms and taping it to Velds' or Vincent's door is not funny.

228\. If the only reason you can come up for doing something is "because I can" then it is safe to assume you probably shouldn't.  
229\. Not allowed to glue a beret to the General's head.  
230\. Reno must stop telling Nunchuck that the briefing room television transforms into an evil robot.

231\. Must not forge letters from the president to Veld expressing the deepest adoration for his beard.  
232\. Not allowed to start a cat shelter on Shinra grounds

233\. Vincents' code-name is not "Mrs Dragoon".  
234\. Nor is it _"wifey"_, _"war bride"_,_"Sir sulks a lot_"._"mommy"_. _Second Daddy." "Veld's Girl." "Vampire." "Vampy" _or _"Veld's husband wife thingy" _  
235\. The fact that Veld finds these code names funny is not relevant.


	10. Chapter 10

236\. Not allowed to video the wild Veld in his habitat.  
237\. Same goes for Tseng  
238\. And any of the firsts  
239\. Not allowed to walk in front of Rufus throwing roses, glitter and confetti  
240\. Not allowed to walk in front of Legend and throw pornographic materials  
241\. Not allowed to walk in front of anyone if your going to throw something.  
242\. Not allowed to threaten anyone with _"death if you don't move in the next two seconds"_

243\. not allowed to label the cleaning supply closet as _"deadly weapons of war"_  
244\. Must never challenge MA(female) to a duel at dawn (Note: She will win.)  
245\. Getting Zack drunk and shaving his hair into a Mohawk is not allowed  
246\. Nunchuck is not allowed to hula hoop.  
247\. Reno is not allowed to mix drinks for any Turk unless he tells Veld what is in them.  
248\. What is Inside the drink not inside the Turk.  
249\. ShotGun is not allowed to try out new guns outside the firing range.  
250\. That was obviously meant to mean weapons not penises.  
251\. Not even if the man in questing claims his dick is a weapon.  
252\. ** No **sex on the firing range  
253\. _"Reno ate my paperwork" _is not a viable excuse.  
254\. not allowed to move beds with the helicopter  
255\. Rude is** not** allowed to make Veld one of his special _'herbal'_ teas ever again.  
256\. in reference to rule **_230_** Reno is to put the room briefing room television back as it was.  
257\. Calling Veld a tyrant and dictator is **not **a good idea unless you're looking for time on paperwork duty.  
258\. the_ 'middle finger_' is not an appropriate way to voice your disapproval during briefing time.  
259\. neither is mooning  
260\. neither is yelling _'Objection'_

261\. Not allowed to call Reeve _"Uncle ReRe," _

262\. Not allowed to call Vincent, _"Veld's mistress"__** see rule 234**__  
_263\. SHOULD **NOT **STEAL VELD"S COFFEE, their are easier ways to commit suicide


	11. Shinra Convos

**Veld:** We are gathered here today because SOMBODY _*glares at coffin*_ couldn't stay alive  
**Vincent:** …...Fuck u.  
_

**Reno:** So you and I are married.  
**Tseng:** We are not married.  
**Reno: **Relax, it's just pretend.  
**Tseng:** Well, I don't wanna pretend.  
**Reno:** Scared you'll like it?  
**Tseng:** Okay, if we are married I want a divorce.  
**Reeve: **Are you two always like this?  
**Rude, Elena, Rod, Shotgun, Katana, Veld, Rufus, Gun, Twoguns: **Yes.

**Tseng:** I assume you realize this type of idiocy will not be tolerated in the Turks.  
**Legend:** There another type of idiocy that you'd be more comfortable with?  
_

**Reeve:** They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.  
**Reeve:** At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.  
**Rufus:** That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.  
_

**Cloud:** I believe this is what they call having faith, captain  
**Cid:** Nah, I just have nothing better to do.  
**Vincent[from down the hall]:** *Muted, pleased snort*  
_

**Reno: **Excuse me, what is your homicide policy here?  
**Shinra secratery: **… …  
**Veld:** He's hired

**Gun**: I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.  
**Elena**: Thanks for the support, sis.  
_

**Rufus**: I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.  
_

**Vincent: **I guess I kind of hate most things… But I never really seem to hate you.  
**Veld: **!  
**Vincent: **So I will spend the rest of your life with you. Is that alright?  
**Veld:** Do I have a choice.  
**Vincent:** No not really  
_

**Reno:** Let me explain something to you, Tseng. When you're in a situation, you don't have time to think. So I thought to myself, "Don't think,Reno. Act."  
**Tseng:** So you weren't thinking.  
**Reno:** Not at all. I cannot emphasize enough how little I was thinking.  
_

**Reeve**: Did you hear a scream?  
**Veld**: It's Shinra. That's practically our theme song.  
_

**Reno:** What we need is a diversion. I say Tseng gets naked.  
**Rude: **No.  
**Reno:** I could get naked.  
**Tseng:** No!  
_

**Veld: **These pants look good on me.  
**Cid:** Bet they'd look a hell of alot better on Vince's floor.  
**Vincent:** Are you hitting on Veld… FOR me?  
**Cid:**….Well ya weren't gonna do it yourself.  
_

**Tseng: **Reno, we would like to formally offer you a place in the Turks.  
** Reno:** I'm in.  
**Tseng:** …Really?  
** Reno:** FUCK no, you guys are assholes.  
_

**Veld**: I lost my best friend years ago.  
**Vincent**: [shouting from distance] STOP TELLING PEOPLE I'M DEAD!  
**Veld**: Sometimes I can still hear his voice.


	12. Shinra Convo's 2

**Reno:** What's the worst that could happen?

**Vincent:** Humiliation, embarrassment, fire, explosions, collisions and death. But that was just a one-off incident involving a rogue crème brûlée and I'm sure it won't happen again.

**Legend:** Gaia help us. You two- get the fuck out of the kitchen.

* * *

**Tseng:** Thanks, dad.

**Tseng:** …..Why is everyone staring at me?

**Shotgun:** You just called Veld _"dad."_

**Tseng: **What? No, I didn't. I said,_ "Thanks, Sir."_

**Veld:** Do you see me as a father figure, Tseng?

**Tseng:** No. If anything, I see you as a brother figure because you're always bothering me.

**Legend:** HEY, SHOW YOUR FATHER SOME RESPECT!

* * *

**Vincent: **I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight. **  
Veld: **[frowns] Don't say it like that.  
**Vinent:** I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.  
**Veld:** Your a real romantic aren't you Valentine

* * *

**Tseng:** Sorry, Veld's busy at the moment..  
**Scarlet**: I see, can I reschedule?  
**Tseng:** Hmm, how about June 50th?  
**Scarlet:** What?  
**Tseng: **Do you think you could come back today at 2.65? He's available then. **Scarlet:** What's going on here?  
**Tseng:** Looks like the only other day he has open is Marchtember oneteenth. Does that work for you.

* * *

**Tseng:** I'd like you to take a walk with me  
**Reeve:** You say that like you're not going to knock me out and put a bag over my head if I say no.  
**Tseng:** Then don't say no.

* * *

**Cloud:** Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

**Reno:** Yes

**Cloud:** Let's give him a piece of our mind!

**Reno:** Let's stab him!

**Cloud:** ….

**Reno:** …Yeah, your thing.

* * *

**Veld:** You got us a table

**Vincent:** I had to kill a man.

**Veld: **Well, it's a really good table.

* * *

**Reno:** What we need is a diversion. I say Tseng gets naked.  
**Rude: **No.  
**Reno:** I could get naked.  
**Tseng:** No!

* * *

**Cloud:** I believe this is what they call having faith, captain  
**Cid:** Nah, I just have nothing better to do.  
**Vincent[from down the hall]:** *Muted, pleased snort*

* * *

**Veld: **Legend, you can't just kill everybody you meet.  
**Legend:** Why not?  
**Veld**: Well now that you're putting me on the spot I don't really have an answer for that, just seems like a bad idea though.

* * *

**Tseng:** Reno... I would ask what you are doing, but I fear you would actually tell me.

**Reno:** Probably a good call.

* * *

**Legend:** Let me explain something to you, Tseng. When you're in a situation, you don't have time to think. So I thought to myself, "Don't think,Legend. Act."  
**Tseng:** So you weren't thinking.  
**Legend:** Not at all. I cannot emphasize enough how little I was thinking.

* * *

The Commander did a very detailed assessment of your last three missions. Firearms, top grades. Interrogation, he gave you the highest marks in the Turks. Under 'people skills' he drew a… I think it's a little poop with knives sticking out of it.

— Legend to Tseng

* * *

**Elfe: **That's for if things get really hardcore. Or if you wanna completely destroy Shinra.

**Rufus:** No-one's destroying Shinra.

**Elfe: **You just wanna suck the joy out of everything.

* * *

**Veld:** Well, I have a date too.  
**Vincent:** Who is he? What's his name? Can I kill him? Or her,I forget you like females  
**Veld: **His name is... not important. What's important is, he's better than you, in every single conceivable way and no you can't kill him.  
**Vincent: **Veld! That could be anyone!  
**Vincent:** He's gonna be dead btw

* * *

**Veld:** I don't know where you went to partner college, but I'm pretty sure you're NOT SUPPOSED TO FUCKING SHOOT AT YOUR PARTNERS!

**Vincent: **...oops


	13. Shinra Convo's 3

**Reeve:** How's Veld to work with?

**Reno: **What have you heard? That targets would rather confess than be interrogated by him? That his steely gaze can cool a room by five degrees? That he can only be killed with a silver bullet, like a werewolf? They're all true, except for the silver bullet part. It might give him indigestion or heartburn, but I don't think it'd kill him.

* * *

**Legend:** How did you find me?

**Veld:** Oh, I saw a huge explosion and wondered "now, who could that be?"

* * *

**Veld:** I don't know where you went to partner college, but I'm pretty sure you're NOT SUPPOSED TO FUCKING SHOOT AT YOUR PARTNERS!

**Vincent: **…..oops

* * *

**Veld:** Is that your hand on my ass?

**Vincent:** It was an accident.

**Veld: **Valentine, your hand's still on my ass.

**Vincent:** IT'S STILL AN ACCIDENT.

* * *

**Tseng:** Could you be any more annoying?

**Reno:** That a challenge yo?.

* * *

**Reno:** I'm so fucking stupid.

**Elena: **Hey, it's alright. A lot of people are stupid and still live full, productive lives.

* * *

**Reno: **And you know what else? I quit!

**Veld: **No you don't.

**Reno:** Well I'm leaving early today!

**Veld: **No, you're not. You're coming back to base to do paper work.

**Reno: **Fine, but I'm getting Rude first!

**Rude: ** ….

* * *

**Cid:** Who's he?

**Tseng: **I'm his caretaker.

**Rufus: **He cares, so I don't have to.

* * *

**Elena:** Look at this. The world is saved, I got my boys…my work here is done.

**Reno:** Uh, we are not her boys.

**Rude:** Yeah, we are.

**Tseng:**….Yeah, we are.

* * *

**Reno: **IF YOU PUT "VIOLENTLY" IN FRONT OF YOUR ACTION IT BECOMES 4000x FUNNIER!

**Zack: **VIOLENTLY FARTS

**Tseng:** VIOLENTLY ORGANIZES FILES

**Veld: **VIOLENTLY BABYSITS CHILDREN

**Legend: **VIOLENTLY TWERKS

**Vincent: **VIOLENTLY BREATHS

**Rufus:** VIOLENTLY SLEEPS IN MEETING

**Sephiroth:** VIOLENTLY MURDERS TOWNSPEOPLE

**Cloud:** VIOLENTLY WORRIES ABOUT PREVIOUS COMMENT

* * *

**Legend:** I keep cursing in ice cream flavors, Tseng has told me to stop.

**Legend:** Update: I haven't stopped.

**Shotgun: **How do you curse in ice cream flavors?

**Legend: **What the mint chocolate chip did you say to me punk? I'll kick your rocky road and punch the ever living strawberry cheesecake out of you.

**Reno:** Holy fudge.

* * *

**Veld: **What are you doing after work?

**Vincent:** More work?

**Veld**: …

**Vincent:** !

**Vincent:** YOU!?

* * *

**Lucrecia: ***exists*

**Vincent:** I will die for you

* * *

**Tseng:**How long have you been sleeping with Veld?

**Vincent:**That's disgusting. And wrong. I don't even get– why would– I've never had sex with anyone, anywhere. It's none of your- you have- the nerve, the audacity, Veld is my friend, technically. And he is terrible, face-wise. And how- how- do I know, frankly, that you're not sleeping with him? Maybe you are. Maybe you're trying to throw me off? Hmm check and mate.

**Tseng:** Valentine I walked in on you two fucking in your coffin. I have the mental scaring to prove it.

* * *

**Veld:** So. Who broke it? I'm not mad. I just want to know.**  
Tseng: **I did. I broke it…**  
Veld:** No. No, you didn't. Reno?**  
Reno**: Don't look at me. Look at Shotty.**  
Shotgun:** What?! I didn't break it  
**Reno:** Huh. That's weird. How did you even know it was broken?**  
Shotgun: **Because it's sitting right in front of us and it's broken!**  
Reno: **Suspicious.**  
Shotgun:** No, it's not!**  
Shuriken**:If it matters… Twogun was the last one to use it.**  
TG:** Liar! I don't even drink that crap!**  
Shuriken: **Oh really? Then what were you doing by the coffee cart earlier?**  
TG:** I use the wooden stirrers to push back my cuticles. Everyone knows that.**  
Tseng: **Alright let's not fight. I broke it, let me pay for it, sir.**  
Veld:** No. Who broke it?**  
Rude:** [whispering] Katana's been awfully quiet…**  
Katana: **Really?!**  
Reno: **Yeah, really!

Veld:

I broke it. I burned my hand so I punched it. I predict ten minutes from now, they'll be at each others throats with warpaint on their faces and a pig head on a stick. Good. It was getting a little too chummy around here

* * *

**[one day when Veld is late]**

**Gun: **We need someone to fill in for Director Dragoon. .

**Shotgun:** I think Valentine's already filling Dragoon.

**Shotgun and Legend: **[snicker and high five]

* * *

**Veld: **[answers his phone] Hello?

**Rufus:** It's Rufus.

**Veld:** What did he do this time?

**Rufus:** No, it's me, Rufus, it's actually me

**Veld: **What did you do this time?

* * *

**Tseng: **There's a man here who thinks he can help with the investigation.

**Nunchuck:** Moogleman?!

**Tseng:** No, he's a scientist.

**Reno: **Moogleman's a scientist.

**Tseng:** It's not moogleMan!

* * *

**Zack:** Imagine if someone handed you a box full of all the items you have lost throughout your life.

**Cloud:** It would be nice to get my sense of purpose back.

**Shotgun:** Oh wow, my childhood innocence! Thank you for finding this.

**Veld:** My will to live! I haven't seen this in 15 years!

**Legend: **I knew I lost that dignity somewhere!

**Genesis: **Mental stability, my old friend!

**Zack:** Guys, could you lighten up a little?


	14. Chapter 11

**264**. Not allowed to declare a group hug  
**265.** Not allowed to enforce a group hug.  
**266.** Not allowed to stand in an elevator for a long period of time for no reason.  
**267\. **Not allowed to laugh manically in said elevator  
**268**. Should not use anything to draw a personal space square or circle  
**269.** Or any other shape.  
**270.** can't interpretive dance when giving a mission report.  
**271.** Veld and Legend are not to go undercover as anyone's Sugar daddies. Ever agan  
**272.** Should stop claiming that the turks have a designated nap time.  
**273.** Turks do not have a designated snack time either  
**274.** Other Turks can not offer to polish Rude's head  
**275.** Their is no such thing as wig day.  
**276.** When passing a army check point you may not yell _'These are not the turks you are looking for'_  
**277.** Not allowed to scream and point at people declaring their outfits hurt your eyes  
**278.** Can't burn someones clothing off them because you don't like their sense of fashion  
**279\. **Same goes for ripping, cutting, glitter covering, sudden dye jobs, ect.  
**280.** Not allowed to toss sheep.  
**281\. **The phrase_ 'liar liar pants on fire' _ is not meant to be taken literally

**282.** Not allowed to stage an intervention on anyone outside the turks  
**283\. **Alcohol is flammable TURKS should never forget this.  
**284\. **So is oil  
**285\. **and flower dust is explosive  
**286\. **as is sawdust  
**287.** Not allowed to join a demon summoning cult  
**288\. **Can't take Vincent to a cult meeting  
**289.** Can't claim Vincent is a demon god. **  
290\. **Can't dance naked around Vincent **  
291\. **Your job is not to _'stand around and look pretty' _


	15. Shinra Convos 4

**Yuffie: **Don't worry. He likes your butt and fancy hair. I know. I read his diary.

**Veld: **He thinks it's fancy?

* * *

**Veld:** It's my fault for leaving you in charge. Sometimes, I forget how young you are.

**Tseng:** Sir, I am twenty-one years old!

**Veld: **Look, you're getting cranky. You haven't had your juice.

**Tseng:** Well, my straw broke off in the carton, and–that's not the point!

* * *

**Vincent:** This isn't a relationship. You don't need me. All you care about is a large quantity of orgasms.

**Veld: **Okay, remember how we talked about private conversations? How they're less private when they are in front of my children?

**Legend:** Oh, we aren't your children. Go on.

**Tseng &amp; Elfe (in unison):** Please, don't.

* * *

**Shotgun: **Going to Plan B?

**Katana:** Technically this would be Plan G.

**Legend: **How many plans do we have? Is there, like, a Plan M?

**Reno:** Yeah, but Hojo dies in Plan M.

**Elfe:** I like Plan M.

* * *

**President Shinra:** Hey, Verdot.

**Reno: **Did he just call you Verdot?

**Veld:** Yeah he thinks that's my name.

**Tseng:** Well why don't you correct him?

**Veld: **Oh it's gone on way too long now. The first time he said it was just in passing so I didn't say anything. And then the next time he said, "Hey, Verdot. Want donuts?" And, well, I wanted donuts.

**Rude:** …

**Reno:** ….

**Tseng:** …

**Veld:** And now it's five years later, the donuts are gone and I'm still Verdot.

* * *

**Veld:** Look, let's just agree to say "I'm sorry" on the count of three. One… two… three….

**Vincent:** …

**Veld:** ….

**Veld:** Now, I'm just disappointed in both of us.

* * *

**Legend:** Where's Shotgun?

**Reno: **I'll only tell you if you promise not to get angry.

**Legend: **?

**Reno:** Pinky promise

**Legend:** Fine I promise

**Reno:** Twoguns lost her in the reactor .

**Legend: **HOW DO YOU LOSE A WOMAN?

**Rude:** You forget to cherish her

* * *

"You have a butt and I have a pair of hands. Oh, what a coincidence."

—**Vincent to Veld probably**

* * *

**Vincent:**_ [enters the office, hair messed up and tie askew]_ I apologize for my tardiness, I was doing… stuff.

**Veld:** _[enters after Vincent, tie looser than usual, grinning smugly]_ I'm stuff.

* * *

**Legend:** Rules are made to be broken.

**Tseng:** They were made to be followed. Nothing is made to be broken.

**TwoGuns: **Uh, piñatas.

**Reno: **Glow sticks.

**Martial arts(F): **Karate boards.

**Veld: **Spaghetti when you have a small pot.

**Legend:** Rules.

* * *

**Veld:** Did you just accuse my son Turk of being a secret Wutian operative?

**Lazard: **Well, um, yeah.

**Veld: **Because that would be pretty cool, actually.

* * *

**Vincent:** My apologies. I'll try not to allow my penis to interfere with our official work duties in the future.

**Veld:** Valentine I already know that is a lie.


	16. Chapter 12

**292\. **Rude should really stop bringing in stray cats. We have at least thirty just lying around.

**293.** Rude, please try and avoid moving around the tower with your massive feline entourage when you can.

**294.** Just to clarify, the phrase "bite me" is not an invitation.

**295.** Rude's cat entourage should not be encouraged to take over the world (REEVE STOP TRYING TO GIVE THEM THE TECHNOLOGY TO DO SO).

**296.** Rod is not allowed to replace people's guns with paintball lookalikes

**297\. **_"For science"_ is not an excuse for anything.

**298\. **Nobody is allowed to use their weapons on any sort of household device or furniture.

**299\. **Not allowed to sing _"we're off to see the wizard"_ when sent to Veld's office.

**300\. **Knives are not allowed in the meeting room

**301\. **Stop keeping Knife out of the meeting room.

**302.** Don't hide Tseng's comic books.

**303.** Battle strategy meetings do not mean _"make out and grope each other" _

**304**. Wild animals should not be purchased by any members of the TURKs. Bringing them back to the tower and setting them free is absolutely not allowed.

**305.** NOT allowed play gay porn soundtracks over the intercoms

**306.** Stop putting Zack in the pound_(Yes Tseng we know it was you)_

**307.** The following subjects are now banned from press conferences: _dinosaurs, Wutain zombies, bedroom activities, Veld's ass, tonberrys and the gay agenda. _

**308\. ** When a reporter asks a homophobic question loudly making out with your boyfriend is both ill advised and immature.

**309\. **The TURKs are not allowed to compete in game shows.

**310.** When someone asks a question you don't like sticking your tongue out at them is not an appropriate response.

**311\. **Stealing twenty live hamsters _"for shits and giggles"_ is both prohibited and a really bad idea. _(we have how many cats on this floor?)_

**312.** _"Drunk Science"_ is absolutely forbidden.

**313.** Drunk shooting, drunk knife throwing and drunk Turking are all banned and never to be spoken of again.

**314\. **not allowed to bring a sombrero full of baby chocobos to work


	17. Shinra Convo's 5

**Tseng: **Don't do anything stupid till I get back.

**Reno: **How can I? You're taking all the stupid with you.

* * *

**Vincent: **The dark deed you requested is done.

**Veld:** ...I only sent you for coffee.

* * *

**Tseng:**That brings up another issue. What are you two doing in the sewer?

**Legend: ** We always go in the sewer

**Reno:**We hang out in the sewer.

**Tseng:** Why?

**TG: **Why? There's stuff down there.

**Legend:** Don't knock the sewer til you've tried the sewer.

**Reno:** You find shit down there.

* * *

**Legend:** Where's Veld?

**Reeve:** HE'S NOT MY BOYFRIEND.

**Legend:** Whoa there. Never said he was.

**Reeve:**...Oh. Awkward.

* * *

**Lazard: **And go take a psychology course. Try to figure out who gave you such disgusting daddy issues.  
**Rufus: ** It was, you know, probably our father.

* * *

**Veld:** I want you to know that I used to think that there was no man on Gaia good enough for My daughter.

**Shears: **[smiles]

**Veld: **And I still think that.

**Shears:** … uhh.

* * *

**Vincent: **The doctor just told me I only have 4 days to live.

**Veld: **You're sick?!

** Vincent:** No. He just doesn't like me.

**Hojo: **[shouting] I'll fuck you up on Tuesday!

* * *

**Reno:** Do you want Anthony from Chocobo Burger?

**Elena: **Depends, Is he hot and does he smell like french fries?

**Reno: **Erm, I meant anything. auto correct...

* * *

**Veld [to Tseng and Reno]:** I have total faith in you both.

**Veld [to camera]:** There's like a 30% chance they'll both die.

* * *

**Veld: **Tseng, tell him where he can stick his grapes.

**Tseng: **In the fridge.

**Veld:** No, Tseng.

* * *

**Nunchuck: **What do you think Reno and Rude will do for a distraction?

**Twoguns:** Who knows. They'll probably make a noise, or throw a rock. That's what I would do.

*Building blows up and alarm sounds*

**Twoguns:** Or they could do that.

* * *

**Elfe:** [throws open the door]

**Elfe:** So you two ARE having sex!

**Vincent and Veld: **[sitting on the bed reading books]

**Veld: **We are? Vincent, why didn't you tell me? I would've put my book down


	18. Turk Convo's 6

**Legend:** how do you politely tell someone you want to hit them with a brick

**Katana: **one wishes to acquaint your facial features with a fundamental item used in building walls. Repeatedly.

**Legend:** that's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard.

* * *

**Nunchuck: **I love knitting needles. I can make a scarf. I can make a hat. I can stab your eyes out. I can make mittens.

**Rufus:** what was that middle part?

**Nunchuck:** I can make a hat

* * *

**Veld: **What's this?

**Vincent: **My to-do list.

**Veld: **It's just a post-it note with my name on it.

**Vincent:** ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

* * *

**Elena:** ok guys, how do I ask someone out?

**Reno:** roses are red

violets are blue

guess what, my bed

has room for two

**Elena:** OH MY GOD NO

**Reno:** twinkle twinkle little star

we can do it in a car

**Elena: **STOP IT

**Reno: **row, row, row your boat

gently down the stream

merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily

I can make you scream

**Tseng:** I feel like that's verging dangerously close into serial killer territory

* * *

**Veld: **How are you holding up?

**Reno: **Like a good Catholic girl.

**Veld: **That bad, huh?

* * *

**Katana:** have you ever accidentally befriended someone who is very irritating

**TG:** I thought you said beheaded

**Katana:** that would not be an accident

* * *

**Rod:** once a gecko fell into my shirt and I screamed like a girl

**Reno: **once a girl fell into my shirt and I screamed like a gecko

**Rude:** once a shirt fell into my girl and I geckoed like a scream

**TwoGuns:** once a scream fell into my gecko and I girled like a shirt

**Legend:** once a shirt screamed into my girl and I fell like a gecko

**Katana: **once a girl screamed into my gecko and I fell like a shirt

* * *

**Reno:** Want me to give your number to a army recruiter

**Legend: **I don't know…do you want me to use your number to sell Gay porn on Craigslist

**Reno: **I sense the beginnings of a prank war that will end badly for both of us.

* * *

**Reno:** Anyway, why are we always talking about MY love life? What's going on between you and Elena?

**Tseng:** Nothing. She's a respected teammate.

**Reno: **Uh-huh.

**Tseng:** I don't have time to pursue a relationship, my work is too important to allow any distractions. Elena's a remarkable woman. She's a valued friend. She's… standing right behind me, isn't she?

**Elena:** Don't let that stop you. Keep digging.

* * *

"Don't ever talk to me or my 20 children ever again!"

— **Veld** probably

* * *

**Elfe:** I'm having problems with this guy.

**Veld:** like his dead body won't fit in this bag kind of problems or you like him problems?

* * *

**Elena:** Just be yourself. Say something nice.

**Reno:** Which one? I can't do both.

* * *

**Aerith:** I know you want to keep me safe, but the only way to do that is to wrap me in bubble wrap and hide me in a cave.

**Tseng:** Believe me, I've thought about it.

* * *

**Reno: **Hey, pops here comes your boyfriend.

**Veld: **He's not my…

**Vincent: **[slaps his ass, walks off]

**Turks:**

**Veld:**

**Veld:** Not a word


End file.
